Thursday, March 15, 2007

14

I just went random blogging again and stumbled upon the blog - excuse me, official website - of ‘movie awards analyst’ Scott Feinberg. Scott’s blog is called ‘And the Winner Is…’. Scott’s entire thing seems to be predicting who’s going to win movie awards. According to his blog, he’s carved himself quite a niche:

“For the past five years, [Scott] has served as the on-air Academy Awards analyst for the ABC NEWS affiliate in New Haven, Connecticut, WTNH-8. His predictions and analysis are regularly published in the newsletter ‘Oscar Talk,’ on the web site ‘Oscar Watch,’ and on numerous other sites. Variety has named him an ‘Awards Oracle’ each of the last four years.”

Naturally Scott is very excited at the moment, what with it being Oscar season and all. Movie awards tend to be announced around the same time each year. What does Scott do the rest of the year? Does he vacation? Does he hibernate? Does he gather up Oscar replicas and pack himself away in a warm, welcoming burrow, gnawing and tearing old voting forms with his outsized incisors and his sharp-clawed but silky paws and using them as insulation?

Here’s Scott on his Best Supporting Actress prediction, Rachel Weisz:

“Few people who have been killed in the first minutes of a film have left as lasting an impression as Weisz.”

1 - Thanks for visiting the site… I’m not sure whether you liked or not based on the above, but I’m glad you discovered it! Come back again! (Comment this)

Written by: Scott Feinberg at 2006/02/08 - 19:59:44

2 - So which one of the tiny number of people I’ve told about this blog posted the above? Come on. Stand up. Let the rest of the class see you. Not so clever now, are you? Eh? Eh? (Comment this)

Written by: Guess at 2006/02/08 - 21:58:33

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:53:35 | Permalink | No Comments »

13

Let’s talk about tweaking. The great thing about blogs is the fact you can go back into entries you’ve posted and tweak them. I’ve kept diaries and journals before, and apart from the fact that I inevitably lose interest after a couple of months and they’re embarrassing to re-read anyway, it’s always frustrated me that I can’t tweak the text. So this is good. I’ve tweaked several entries on this blog already. You wouldn’t notice the difference, but these little tweaks are important to me. A word here. Some phrasing there. Small things, but still.

Speaking of diaries and journals - and this is a subject I’ve debated whether or not to broach on this blog, since I wanted to avoid any kind of statement of intent - I should, perhaps, mention a few things you WON’T be seeing here. I won’t be writing about what a shitty day I’ve had at the office. I won’t be moaning about my friends. I won’t be whining about my relationship, posting photos of my cats, detailing my inner turmoil, or charting the peaks and troughs of my Prozac-addled existence. I won’t, in fact, be writing about myself at all, if it can be avoided. Think of me as a cipher. And always remember: somewhere, in sub-Saharan Africa, a small child is dying.

1 - Prepare yourself for a basting. (Comment this)

Written by: S. L. Swine at 2006/02/03 - 16:15:09

2 - now we are intrigued and want to know all about your life…go on join the trend and tell us more (Comment this)

Written by: B Butt at 2006/02/03 - 16:20:38

3 - To be fair, and in the words of McFly, blog 13 is All About You, and more about you than every other entry, apart from maybe blog 7 which, let’s face it, isn’t about you at all. And I did notice the difference - no nerrr. You are no longer small and busy. Though if truth be told, you were never really busy in the first place, were you? Which is why you’ve started this blog. Oh ye of little faith. Anywho, in short, your double-bluff about the blog not being about you has backfired - HA! It’s All About You.

Except the bit about a small child dying in sub-Saharan Africa. There was no need for that.

Or this:

It’s all about you (it’s about you)
It’s all about you baby (it’s all about)
It’s all about you (it’s about you)
It’s all about you

Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew
So I told you with a smile, it’s all about you
Then you whispered in my ear and you told me too
Said you’d make my life worthwhile, it’s all about you

And I would answer all your wishes
If you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses
Don’t know what I’d do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles, it’s all about you, yeah!

(Guitar solo)

And I would answer all your wishes
If you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses
Don’t know what I’d do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
Yes you make my life worthwhile
So I told you with a smile
It’s all about you

It’s all about you (it’s about you)
It’s all about you baby (it’s all about)
It’s all about you (it’s about you)
It’s all about you baby (it’s all about)

repeat to fade (Comment this)

Written by: S. L. Swine at 2006/02/03 - 16:55:57

4 - I’ll admit, blog 13 IS about me inasmuch as it’s my thoughts on diaries and blogging. But what does it actually REVEAL about me?

I did originally post a comment in place of this paragraph about commenting on my own blog. But I fucked up the html, so I went back and deleted it. So now I’m commenting about commenting on my blog. Or possibly commenting about commenting about commenting on my blog. I lose track. (Comment this)

Written by: (name withheld) at 2006/02/03 - 17:31:51

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:52:30 | Permalink | No Comments »

12

I dreamt about my blog last night. Someone (I’m not sure who) told me there were new comments on it, so I had a look on my laptop (I don’t have a laptop). When I opened it up, there were lots of photos posted on it, photos of forests in early winter, but somehow strangely disturbing. The kinds of forests seen in ‘Blair Witch Project’. Leafless trees. Dirt tracks. Abandoned cabins. Bleak. Cold. Foreboding.

I hadn’t posted the photos. Someone else had. They’d also written entries to go with them, mostly in caps, using violent language. I felt violated. And when I tried to alter the entries and delete the photos, my laptop froze up. I bashed at the keys in frustration, but nothing. Until, finally, when I had given up, words began to appear on the screen. Someone was writing a new entry. And it said…

 

1 - Come on down to the woods, we’re having a hog roast! BYO apple. (Comment this)

Written by: S. L. Swine at 2006/02/03 - 12:59:14

 

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:51:09 | Permalink | No Comments »

11

I see we’ve had some comments. I say ‘we’. There’s just me. I’m not sitting here surrounded by a brilliantly witty and clever and spontaneous team. This isn’t the Chris Moyles Breakfast Show, or Steve Wright in the Afternoon, or the writers’ room of ‘Friends’. We - and here I mean you and me, if there even is a ‘you’ - can tell this from a number of factors:

a) I just said so

b) It’s not funny

c) Jennifer Aniston hasn’t just walked in and said hi guys, how are the revisions going, listen, I’ve had a couple of ideas for the scene where Rachel and Ross are trapped in a meat locker that I think might work

But yes. The comments. Granted they’re from Sharon (who, as I think we’ve established, wants a shed) and my ex. Even so. I like to think they’re valid.

 

1 - I like this blog. I chuckled at this one. Keep going, I know you’re addicted. I notice you didn’t reciprocate and leave a comment on my blog. Fine. FINE! But then, I guess you don’t know a lot about gardening.

Found me a shed yet? (Comment this)

Written by: Sharon Gosling at 2006/02/02 - 14:05:34

2 - Hi guys! How are the revisions going? Listen, I’ve had a couple of ideas for the scene where Ross and I are trapped in an amusing cycle of will-they-won’t-they mishaps that I think might work. It involves a gorgeous young co-worker named Chad, a pink, frilly bra, some sugar cubes that have welded themselves to Monica’s oven and lots of girlish squealing. Interested?
 (Comment this)

Written by: Jennifer Aniston at 2006/02/03 - 17:38:40

 

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:50:10 | Permalink | No Comments »

10

Further research. Here are some excerpts from a blog referred to me by my friend Sharon, who, you’ll recall, wants a shed (and just to clarify, this isn’t Sharon’s blog, although I would find it strangely pleasing if it were):

“It was a fine day for play… My friends and I decided to play outside! Wow! enjoy! Ang saya! Biglang umulan habang kami ay nag si skipping rope sa may backfield!”

and

“hahaha!!! What a nice day!!! Hindi ako pumasok!!! yey!!!! nice noh????!!!! hahaha!!! ang saya talaga!!! Can’t we at least extend the vacation??? Puhleezzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

1 - Indeed, such forays into other blogs hosted on this site are a bit disturbing. Thank god for Nick, who saves us with his ennui. Hooray for Nick! (Comment this)

Written by: Sharon Gosling at 2006/02/01 - 17:11:07

 

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:49:12 | Permalink | No Comments »

9

I just had a look around using the ‘random blog’ button just over there to the right. One likes to know what one’s neighbours are like. There is a worrying percentage of blogs about hamsters on this system. And blogs in Spanish. For all I know the blogs in Spanish might also be about hamsters. If they’re not about hamsters or in Spanish, they’re either about failed dates or people rearranging their living rooms. I suppose this makes a sort of sense. If you spend a lot of your time going on failed dates, you might end up rearranging your living room a fair bit. And keeping hamsters.
Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:48:36 | Permalink | No Comments »

8

Indie pop ain’t noise polution. Words to live by.

 

1 - Noise pollution = smog for the soul. Words to print on T-shirts. (Comment this)

Written by: S. L. Swine at 2006/02/03 - 17:18:19

2 - Words to print on T-shirts No. 2: I got soul, but I’m not a soldier.
 (Comment this)

Written by: S. L. Swine at 2006/02/09 - 15:02:21

 

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:48:07 | Permalink | No Comments »

7

But enough about you. Let’s talk about me.

I am a 97 year old Welshman with a pronounced stutter and the mass of a white dwarf star. My hobbies are dredging lakes, folding, and dogging. I am a small businessman - by which I mean I have a business and am very small. I have three wives, 639 children, two thirds of a goat and a penchant. We all live in a yellow submarine. In Bracknell.

 

1 - I wish I had a penchant… (Comment this)

Written by: Sally rodgers at 2006/02/01 - 14:55:29

2 - My, how your goat grows! Am I getting it? (Comment this)

Written by: S. L. Swine at 2006/02/03 - 17:00:29

 

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:47:26 | Permalink | No Comments »

6

You sexy little swine.
Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:37:26 | Permalink | No Comments »

5

My friend Sharon wants a shed. She’s decided to get into gardening as part of her impending new life as a freelance journalist. She figures if she’s going to be sitting at home all day in front of a computer screen, gardening will be a good diversion, something to do in-between hacking out articles on Amanda Tapping’s nice hair.

I like the idea of sheds. Mostly I just like the word. Shed. Shed. Shed shed shed. It’s a sturdy word. Maybe that’s why Shed Seven called themselves Shed Seven. Maybe they were hoping such a sturdy word would confer a kind of longevity upon them. It did, in a way. For a while, building society The Link used ‘Speakeasy’ as their theme tune on their telly ads, except with the “speakeasy” bit re-sung as “At The Link it’s easy”. I don’t suppose Shed Seven minded having to re-record that bit too much. By that point their career was pretty much over. And then the other day I was at a Sky launch for high definition TV, and the film they showed to illustrate the wonders of high definition TV (and it is very nice and clear, better than life probably) had ‘Getting Better’ playing over the top of it.

So yeah. Sheds.

Posted by Louis XIV, 'The Sun King' at 16:36:57 | Permalink | No Comments »