Off Message

What the fuck is up with blokes who go into a gents’ toilet for a piss, use a cubicle, but then wee with the goddamn door open? What are they thinking? “I have a tiny penis and am therefore a bit too shy to use the urinals, but if I go in this cubicle and leave the door wide open, well hell, I’m still one of the guys.”

Some background might be useful here. For those unfamiliar (i.e. women, or at least some women, or at least the kind of women I don’t personally know), there are basically two options when using a gents’ toilet. You can either use the urinals, or you can opt for a cubicle. If you just need a piss, the urinals are generally where you go. One reason not to use the urinals might be what is commonly known as ’stage fright’. This is a phenomenon whereby other men are using the urinals and you feel you might not be able to ‘perform’ (’piss’) with them standing there. Nothing to be ashamed of, you just head off to a cubicle (closing the door behind you so that some other poor sod doesn’t stumble in and inadvertently glimpse your ghosty white ass, like just now) and do your business.

Where things get a little tricky is when stage fright strikes after you’ve made the decision to use the urinals. Standing there with your cock in your hands with nothing issuing forth whilst others beside you happily gush like racehorses is one of the more excruciating experiences a man can go through. There are several options in this situation, none of them particularly appealing. You can grin and bear it and hang on till your co-pissers leave, all the while hoping the side of the urinal is shielding your piss-less-ness; if they came into the toilet after you, you can make like you’ve actually just finished pissing and leave the loo, nipping back at the first opportunity; or you can give up, zip up and shuffle off shame-faced to a cubicle.

And then close. The fucking. Door.