Off Message

The number of views of Off Message jumped astronomically yesterday. What the hell happened? I’d managed to run the audience for this ridiculous blog down to virtually nothing via a combination of writing utter rubbish and, perhaps more pertinently, not blogging at all, but yesterday the views bar shot up. Where’s this new audience come from? I’m slightly mystified.

Well, whoever you all are, doubtless you won’t be back again now you’ve realised what a colossal waste of time Off Message is. Move along, nothing to see here…

I usually carry a bag with me, wherever I go. It’s a record bag, containing stuff like magazines, a book, pens, random bits of paper, an umbrella – that sort of thing. And within the bag, there is another bag. A black plastic bag. The drugs bag. It used to be I’d have maybe a box of painkillers in my record bag, and, in the summer, hayfever tablets. Now I have a whole other bag-within-a-bag, containing painkillers, hayfever tablets (there all year round nowadays), nasal spray, decongestant, throat sweets, a sachet of Lemsip, moisturiser, hand cream, a virtually empty pot of hair gum, and another pack of hayfever tablets in case I run out of the main pack.

This is possibly a little obsessive.

So if you have a look at the post below this one, you’ll notice a comment has been left – another spam, in fact, and rather a long-winded one at that. Using my remarkable skills of detection, I have established that whoever it was left that comment resides somewhere in Descanso, California. Although the Google map points to a lonely road in a dusty expanse of nothingness, with a few houses dotted about. I reckon there’s an underground spam base there, filled with legions of drones sending out unwanted messages to unsuspecting bloggers, safe from the prying eyes of Google’s satellites, like a crap version of Hydra or A.I.M.

Then again, there is a house at the end of the road, so maybe Google’s little red pointer is slightly off. Can you hear me, whoever you are, out there just off the Twin Springs Road in Descanso, California? I’m watching you…

How’s tricks? What you been up to? Anything interesting?

No?

Right. Okay then.

Well I shan’t keep you.

Bye then. Yes, bye.